


ain't always broken (but here's to hoping)

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 00:57:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13330098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: It happens when Dan least expects it and he never really knows when it goes away, he just hopes that it does.Or sometimes there are bad days.





	ain't always broken (but here's to hoping)

**Author's Note:**

> this is just my experience with what my depression feels like. 
> 
> here's to the better days. <3

It’s raining. There’s storm clouds rolling in and London seems to feel it too because of the lack of people on the street as they had gotten out of the taxi and to their apartment. Dan can’t feel the cold against his cheeks but you can see it because he looks flushed. He’s been quiet, only saying the things that he had written down in his notes so he wouldn’t forget, and when he reached his last bullet point he sagged in his chair, his shoulders more slumped than usual, his face desolate. Phil had peeked over at him during the meeting, his fingers reaching out to slip in between the holes in his jeans, his thumb had felt warm against Dan’s unusually cold skin. 

He shut down like that sometimes. This morning had been a good day, they woke up a bit late, Phil still recovering from his sickness but they had made coffee and sat outside before the rain had started and enjoyed the sound of the birds chirping and the children playing in the distance. It happens when Dan least expects it and he never really knows when it goes away, he just hopes that it does.

The walk to the elevator feels like too much and he wonders if this is what it felt like to cross the red sea, then again, Dan believed it was a fairytale to help people feel better about their struggles. He didn’t feel better. In fact, he felt like something was sitting on his chest and he knows that it won’t let him rest. Phil hasn’t reached out to touch him again but he can see him wanting to, watching the way his fingers reach out to almost hold his hand but there’s weight behind every touch- even in such a deserted place, it was still public. 

When the bell dinged for the elevator they stepped in, Phil punching in their floor number and reaching in their shared backpack to grab their keys. The silence while they went up a couple of floors was deafening. Dan wanted to yell, because he felt like he was trapped in some kind of awful dream. 

There’s a moment of bravery, a feeling of, _I don’t care the consequences_ , with the way that Phil reaches out for Dan’s hand, holding it like they were in a dark room and needed to help each other get out of this labyrinth of a maze and they didn’t have a torch to help them through it. Phil helps Dan take his jacket off, not bothering to hang it up in the coat closet and Dan doesn’t even realise that he’s crying until he feels it run down his face.

It felt like relief, but also felt like the worst kind of heartbreak knowing that some days were just _bad_. It’s not the kind of bad where it’s an emergency and he’s standing at the edge of things, it’s the kind of bad where it aches, and you can feel it in your bones with every move, like there’s a weight on your back and if you just get passed the finish line there’d be some relief. 

Phil had always tried not to over worry whenever he sees Dan cry, because he’s still learning that crying wasn’t a sign of weakness, but it was the way that Dan grieved about things that were out of his control. So he pulls his sleeve down and reaches out to touch the corners of Dan’s eyes and gently wipes away the tears and Dan kind of falls against him in surrender to what he’s feeling.

Dan hated being an adult in this way, because he felt like he had to handle it all by himself. Because he was the one that picked himself back up when he was down, but he forget that he could ask someone to lend a hand. Sometimes Phil had to do it for him. 

Phil holds on to Dan like he would to a small and scared child that’s had a nightmare and needs his mum. Phil can’t put Dan together again, but he can hold him while he does that for himself. 

When the crying stops Phil leads them up the stairs and into the bathroom because Dan had said earlier he needed a shower because it had been days. He undresses him and takes his own clothes off and turns the shower on. The shower is big enough for the both of them but there’s effort that goes in to not falling. 

Phil washes Dan as best as he can, hoping that the warm water could wash away some of the sadness, even though he knows that it won’t- but it’s a step to feeling a bit better even if it’s just external. Once upon a time, when things were leaked and subscriber counts were rising, Dan had a lot of bad days, being twenty-one had felt like a living nightmare sometimes, and Phil had done this before, and then again a year later. He had sought out help after that, sometimes ‘ _handling_ ’ it wasn’t enough. Phil couldn’t be enough, and things were a process, but this? This was just a tiny blimp in Dan’s timeline of recovery, and it meant something, but it wasn’t the end of the world like it used to be. 

When Phil felt the water starting to get cold he reached over to turn it off and grab Dan’s towel and dried him off. Dan took deep breaths and they both stepped out of the shower. Phil had ran the spare towel through Dan’s hair and grabbed some of the hair product that Dan used after his showers and ran it through his hair. While they weren’t going anywhere tomorrow, Phil wanted to give Dan the sense of normality that he could even if it went as far as putting leave in conditioner in his curls. 

With hair product in, and new sets of pyjamas for the both of them Phil had brought them to bed and turned the light off. Phil had gathered Dan in his arms and they laid in silence, listening to the sound of the other breathing. Dan hadn’t been reacting much to Phil’s actions but he felt Dan’s fingers running small circles on his arm if only for a few seconds. 

Phil had remembered something, a memory from a long time ago. He can’t remember what exactly happened other than the fact that he was sad and he was crying, his mother reached over with her thumb to run small circles across Phil’s temple, between his brows, and then his nose. He remembers that it was comforting enough for him to fall asleep because he felt so safe and so loved on, he wants to try it and see if it works for Dan. 

So he does, and it’s almost like muscle memory, the way that his fingers trace around the softest parts of Dan. He knows every inch of Dan, has memorised him in thousands of ways every day, but this felt different, intimate in it’s own way. He doesn’t know if it’s helping, doesn’t know if Dan’s eyes are opened or closed but after a while he hears Dan’s faint snore and he feels relief knowing that he’s getting some sleep. 

Phil doesn’t let go of him for the rest of the night.

*

There are many things that you can do after a storm, the things that keep everything from falling apart again is resilience and a new plan. The worst part is over, and it’s time to rebuild what had been damaged. The amazing thing with that, is you can make it better than the first time. 

Dan makes an appointment with his therapist with Phil holding his hand the entire time. It’s a very similar moment to the first, and the second, and the third time he called about making an appointment in the beginning process when it was an intimidating and scary thing. While it’s not scary anymore it’s an act of solidarity.

It still feels like a hole, but it’s getting progressively smaller and smaller until it’s manageable. Dan rests his head against Phil’s chest and he doesn’t say anything for a while, just feeling the familiar rise and fall of his chest. 

“Thank you.” Dan whispers. 

He wants to say, _thank you for picking me up when I fall apart. Thank you for all the times of being a light in the dark, and for holding me together when I couldn’t._

“My hair feels soft.” Dan muses, running his long fingers through it, _and he laughs._

Phil reaches out to run his hands through Dan’s hair and he has to agree. _It is soft._

And it feels like there’s a break through the clouds, the first glimpse of sun after the rain. 

This was already a start to a better day.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated!
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan.**


End file.
